Vatomer Devorah

Today, I was listening to a class on Likkutei Moharan where Rabbi Nachman spoke about mishpat. We translate that as judgement, but he says it means to make an accounting of one’s deeds. This is best done during hisbodedus- personal prayer in your own words. Talking to G-d. This is important, he says, because it will cause the fire in your heart to burn strong, and you will not be influenced by the residual evil of people who you are bringing closer (mekarev) to G-d.

This was interesting, because I’ve been thinking about bina/ discernment. Bina is the womb, and it is also a midda/trait. The word “bina” starts with the letter ב/beis, which also means “home” or container- like the womb. In some ways, I feel that Hashem has gifted me with Bina for the first time in my life. Partly in the ability to allow the sparks of truth that I feel to develop and gestate into something productive instead of corroding my nervous system.

In sefer Shoftim, Devorah is called Eishes Lapidos. This can be translated as the wife of Lapidos, “torches”. She speaks to Barak, telling him that Hashem said to go to war to defeat Sisra. Barak means lightning. Devorah seems to be surrounded by people whose names mean fire. Some commentaries say that this is a description of Devorah herself. Eishes Lapidos means she was a woman of flames. The Yalkut Shimoni explains, Devorah and her husband made wicks for the Mishkan. She would make sure they were thick wicks so that they would have much light. Hashem said to her: “Devorah, you intend to increase My light. I will also increase your light”.

In theory, fire is a source of illumination and light. But during this journey, we did not feel illuminated much, more gaslit and in the dark. I also felt consumed, inflamed and burned out. My body felt more inflamed with each intervention, and I wondered if this was conducive toward fertility and life. I asked Hashem if He could give me the anesthesia some people seem to be on, that numbs them so that they don’t ask many questions.

I started to talk to G-d more, and I asked Him to restore my fertility. Numerous times I had tried to tell myself to let go of the desire for fertility, however, I did not feel that was possible. I realized it’s because I’m not the one who planted it. That was G-d. What helped was eventually recognizing that my feelings, insights, goals and dreams were actually not just my own. I am not separate from G-d so I didn’t need to convince Him of anything. He wants my palm tree to thrive, after all He planted it.

The Tanya teaches that the conscious awareness of recognizing that we are part of G-d and there is nothing apart from Him brings inner stillness or awe and opens the mind. Then insight can enter. That is Yiras Hashem which preceeds chochma, insight. But chochma itself is not enough. You need bina, which is the vessel to contain and develop a process that you can’t see all at once.

I began to take a little more of an observer’s stance, slightly less reactive to things that were draining us physically, emotionally, psychologically and financially. I started writing. It was like taking the sparks that could have developed into an electrical fire and giving them a space to glow, where they could shed some light. Instead of trying to suppress the flames that were consuming me, I tried to gather them into a torch of light. As I wrote, I felt less consumed and more illuminated. This must be the fire of the heart that Rabbi Nachman is talking about. The kind that protects you from the residual evil when you bring people closer to G-d.