Vatomer Devorah

There is another piece to this story.

In mid- October, right after Sukkos, my husband got a new pair of tefillin. He brought his tefillin to the sofer (scribe) and was surprised to find out that they were over 100 years old, according to the sofer. The words were very faded. It would be too expensive and difficult to fix them, so he bought a new pair, even though we did not really have the money at the time. The sofer asked him his price range and said that there was a pair he had for him, that was already written. Apparently, before Rosh Hashana a man came in and ordered tefillin. After the sofer had written them, the man told him that he is a lefty and did not realize that he forgot to specify that. These tefillin were written for someone right-handed. As my husband paid for them, the sofer told him that they were written for Rosh Hashana and sealed for Yom Kippur.

We became aware that the pair of tefillin my husband had been using were his grandfather’s. We realized what a big zechus (merit) it was for my husband to have used his tefillin. He was a big tzaddik who survived the war and accomplished may great things in his lifetime.

But it was clearly time to get a new pair. We thought about all those tefillin had gone through. They had been written in Eastern Europe before the war, traveled to Shanghai, China with the Mirrer Yeshiva, came to America. They survived many transitions, war, upheaval, and rebuilding torah foundations in America, which my husbands grandfather took part in. All this before my husband had used them. We also felt that some of our experiences in the years prior to and including our fertility journey contained some of those descriptions. There was both the honor and zechus of using the tefillin and the feeling of closure from a time of transition and turmoil, trying to build foundations on many levels. In the sefiros, the channel of fertility is called yesod -foundation. It is the channel that connects the upper sefiros to the lower physical world (malchus).”

Tonight as I’m editing this post, it is the 41st day of the omer, which is yesod she’byesod, foundation of foundations. Shlomo hamelech says that a tzaddik is an everlasting foundation that remains standing even through whirlwinds and storms (Mishlei 10:25).

Rabbi Nachman says, “He is the aspect of holy of holies/Foundation Stone…..These are the tzaddikim upon whom the earth was founded… They all come and are encompassed in the tzaddik of the generation, who is the aspect of the Foundation Stone… And through this all the constrictions are mitigated” ( Likutey Moharan I, 61:7). The Zohar explains that a tzaddik is called the foundation of the world- “Tzaddik yesod olam” (Mishlei 10:25), because he acts as a channel bringing shefa (abundance) and bracha (blessing) down into this world. My husband’s grandfather was a great tzaddik, and we felt more strongly connected to him, and to our roots – our foundation.

The goal for writing this blog is the hope that we continue the work of the tzaddik in our own small way, in being a channel of blessing in this world by sharing our experiences along this journey and the things we learned along the way.

Throughout this journey, one of the prayers I’ve said daily is the 42 masaos-the 42 stops that the Jewish people made in the desert, along with Ana BeKoach. This includes the text of the 40 years of travel in the desert of what should have been a short, straightforward path from Egypt to Israel. We are told that the reason all these stops are written down is because all of them serve a purpose, whether it is evident or not why they had to take these routes.

I realized that the baby is due the week of Parshas Devarim, right after Matos Masai- where the 42 travels are written. Devarim means words. While you are in the midst of a difficult journey it is hard to have the words to speak about it and be vocal about the experience. It is often only afterwards, or towards the end that you can speak and share your experience in a meaningful way.

Rabbi Nachman says that through the power of speech, one can effect Divine providence for barren women to conceive and bear children:

“This is likewise the aspect of “Open your mouth for the mute, which in turn brings about the aspect of unbinding the mouth of the barren. These words, which had been repressed inside them for so long because they were deaf and mute, now emerge, and they do so with great strength..” (Likutey Moharan l, 60:8)

The commentary (218) explains that by telling stories from ancient times, those who are spiritually asleep are aroused to speak to G-d, and these words emerge with great strength. They are then able to effect special Divine providence allowing barren women to conceive and bear children. G-d willing, I will share a story from ancient times in the next post.