Vatomer Devorah

According to the Tanya, Da’as is the knowledge that binds the mind and the heart.

Something I found hard to wrap my mind around, after some time on this journey, was the fact that there are common immune factors that affect the receptivity of the womb. But this hasn’t been integrated into diagnostic guidance when it comes to navigating fertility treatments (or avoiding them). There was something that felt out of order about it. Something foundational was not established before going ahead with interventions -the womb. To me, this felt like a lack of compassion (rachamim), which leads to leaving out the womb (rechem). They looked at the womb structurally, but without the da’as that would allow blessing and life to flow into it.

Regarding Pharoh, it says that he did not “know” Hashem – G-d. This is because he had knowledge that he did not integrate and internalize. Pharoh saw the hand of Hashem again and again through the 10 plagues, but he hardened his heart again each time Moshe stood before him. This is the difference between intellectual knowledge and internalized knowing. Underneath Da’as in the sefiros is Tiferes. Tiferes is the realm of truth. It is also the realm of rachamim, compassion. When knowledge is translated to integrated awareness, it leads to rachamim. When it is not, it leads to exile, as it says in Yeshaya, “Therefore My people go into exile for lack of knowledge.” (5:13)

When a couple walks into a fertility office the question on their mind is, “Why?” That is a very different attitude than people usually get at most offices.

When clarity is revealed, it brings geula- redemption to the world, that is why it says regarding the final redemption that the earth will be filled with the knowledge of Hashem. (Chavakuk 2:14).

Leaving Egypt

There is the feeling of being a slave to the system, when things are “unexplained” or partially explained. You feel like you just have to go through the process. In most cases, relevant diagnostics are reserved until after people have tried many protocols including invasive and expensive treatments. However, many people give up before then because of financial or other considerations. And many people go into debt by then. Now I understood why fertility intervention is a huge undertaking for so many. The cards at the office say to donate to help 1 in 6 couples who are struggling.

I realized, on this journey, it had to be magnifying everything that I already struggle with. Along with the roller coaster of emotions, I felt a lot of constriction, isolation and stress. Waiting on appointments, the unknown, anxiety, trying to control and micromanage things… and more.

I had to repair my da’as, that must be key. I tried to work through the anxiety, pressure and limitation that I felt, in order to restore my vitality.

The tribe of Levi corresponds to the sefira of da’as. In Egypt, the tribe of Levi did not integrate with the standards of the rest of society. They did not join in the stress of the “avodas parech” that their brothers and sisters were involved in. According to the commentaries, the people were working as slaves in a system that did not have regard for their physical constitution or treat them differentially. Because the ground lacked a foundation, the work they did sank into the ground. In Egypt the people lost their da’as, and their perception changed, believing that slavery was inevitable and their lives had to revolve around this toil. (That is often how people going through fertility treatments feel. Their schedule, finances, physical, psychological and emotional state revolve around the investment.) They were “short of breath” because of the stress and strenuous work, and they no longer believed in their redemption. The tribe of Levi, however, maintained yishuv hada’as – a settled mind. They operated with clarity and therefore they never succumbed to the pressure around them and joined the work. That is why the job of the Leviim is to connect people to G-d.

In chasidic thought Pharoh represents the constriction of da’as-he saw each plague in isolation and therefore hardened his heart each time, instead of integrating new awareness. Without da’as, negative experiences to narrowed and limiting perception. In the fertility field, important pieces of knowledge- uterine factors, are known, yet often not integrated at the beginning of a couple’s journey. Instead, they are addressed only after many failed interventions. People start to believe that there is something inherently wrong with their fertility or broken, and that their “chances” are really low- a narrowing of perception shaped by repeated experiences without clarity.

So how do I repair my da’as?

According to Rabbi Nachman,

“Breathing is the main factor in the proper functioning of the intellect. This is because in order for the intellect to function properly, so that it can attain contemplation, above all it needs the oils in the body.…All the moisture and oils in the body are maintained by breathing…”( Likutey Moharan l, 60:3).

Rabbi Nachman explains that shallow breathing is associated with vanity, and it leads to poverty. Extended breathing is derived from fear of G-d, leading to wealth, and deep contemplation of torah (Likutey Moharan l, 60:3).

I started to try this. Every morning doing a small breathwork practice before I joined the learning. I also tried to slow down and “breathe”. For example, when I went to get the train, I intentionally walked slowly as I got to the platform. Normally I would rush, in case the train was already there. In small ways it helped me affirm the belief in Divine providence. Because even though I believed in Divine providence, moving differently helped me feel like I didn’t really have to stress.

Rabbi Nachman says, all constriction (dinim) must be healed in the mind. He says that there are separate intellects where constriction and suffering must be mitigated, because that is where they are rooted. These are all referred to as “Holy”- Kodesh. However, when we connect to the Upper Wisdom, that is where all of the constriction can be mitigated at once, and that is called, “Holy of Holies”- Kodesh Kedoshim or the foundation stone ( Likutey Moharan l, 61:6).

Certainly da’as, which is also knowledge of G-d, is connected to Upper Wisdom. That must be why when we did start to operate with da’as, it felt like all the pieces were being put together at once into an expanded picture, instead of working with fragmented pieces that reinforced the constriction that we felt. We were finally seen as whole people instead of numbers or statistics. I also began to expand my da’as, albeit incrementally, in trusting even in small, mundane ways, that things unfold by Divine providence (hashgacha pratis). This has everything to do with breathing, and allowing life and vitality to flow again in place of constriction.